Marriage is probably the most life-changing, all-consuming experience the human condition offers. From the pronouncement of our vows, we instantly unite and adjoin with our spouse, sharing our bodies, home, finances, free time, and autonomy over the remote. Understandably, couples often get lost in themselves, especially during those early years, consumed with the hundreds of daily adjustments and lifestyle alignments it takes in order to live in harmony (and boy, is it a process!). Often, though, as the years go on, Christians find themselves missing the closer, more intimate connection they had with God before marriage, when they lived a more simple and focused life. We often settle into our structured routines and habits (dinner, then walk the dog, then Netflix ‘til we snooze), which is fine and healthy unless the state of being married drastically reduces the time, energy, and fervor we allocated and felt toward Jesus during our single years. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but it is something to recognize and combat by establishing shared purposes in marriage and daily routines that often need to be re-defined and re-adjusted to maintain personal time and connectedness to the Lord. Here are a few that have worked for me through the years:
1. Designate Your Own Space and Time with the Lord
Any married couple surviving the Covid crisis immediately recognized the mind-blowing importance of having our own physical space and time alone, even while under the same roof. Even under the best of circumstances, I believe it’s healthy to have separate, personal spaces for activities like work, exercise, and gardening. I find this especially vital for spending personal time with the Lord. If I’m honest, it took me years to finally ask my husband to stay out of our room for about a half hour after coffee every morning, to feel comfortable enough to properly ramble aloud to Jesus, cry with abandon to worship music, and sit in God’s presence with fearing the embarrassment or annoyance of being interrupted. Nothing quite ruins the second worshipful bridge of “Way Maker” like a caffeinated husband yelling “babe have you seen the remote?!” through the door, or even worse, bust through the door hopin’ for some morning romance. In an ideal world, we’d all have our own little prayer rooms, but until then, we just have to get creative. In warmer weather, I’ve trekked out with the insulated coffee mug for quiet time in my backwoods, where even the dog knows to leave me alone. I have friends who escape with God by taking walks alone, whispering prayers and avoiding the chatty neighbor. Everybody’s way varies, but most agree the biggest benefit of designating time and place for your personal time with God is the chance it will actually happen.
2. Achieve a Mutual Understanding That Praying Together Never Replaces Personal Prayer
Another seemingly positive trend that infringes on our personal time with the Lord is the art of “shared” quiet time when spouses take time to pray and read the Word together. Of course, praying together is vital in maintaining a healthy marriage (less than .006 of marriages end in divorce when spouses regularly pray together), but no spiritual activity or shared experience should ever replace personal time with the Lord. It’s the same concept seen when spending time with a group of friends. We might all enjoy each other’s company, but the real, vulnerable, intimate conversations and connections are often achieved during one-on-one time. The best biblical demonstration of this need for alone time with God is through Jesus himself. Jesus prioritized his personal relationship with his Father. He was charged with the most important and vital task known to man (saving humankind), yet He often left his closest friends and crowds of followers to escape and be alone with God. It’s only through personal time with Him that our spirits truly recharge, connect, and properly hear from the Lord. We may be in a marriage covenant committed to loving and serving each other, but we still have our own spiritual journeys, callings, and dreams the Lord has implanted in our hearts, and our job as godly spouses is to water and nurture each one.
3. Keep in Mind Your Spouse Doesn’t Replace God
Through the years, I’ve heard from many friends feeling a diminished need for God, a dwindling fire for ministry, and a subtle feeling of uselessness for the kingdom after years of being married. It’s a bittersweet reality that makes sense to a degree when examining all the emotional and physical needs the gift of marriage meets. Loneliness. The struggle to remain pure. Financial stress. Parenting alone. These and so many more hardships often (and fortunately!) no longer apply to our lives once we’re married and many of us frankly become complacent and/or distracted by the benefits and ease found in married life. We also may tend to feel less passionate and available for the things of God when so much attention is diverted toward our spouse’s needs. Paul alludes to this concept in 1 Corinthians 7 when he encourages Christians to remain single to fully focus on serving Christ. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, ultimately created to draw us closer to Him, but our spouse was never designed to be our ultimate supplier of joy, peace, or satisfaction. There is a way to remain just as spiritually on fire and hungry for the Word after marriage, but it really does require dedicated, intentional times of seeking and hearing God.
4. Remember When You Prioritize Your Relationship with God, Your Spouse Will Benefit
I believe the number one way to be your “best self,” and hence the best partner possible, is by remaining close to God. When we take time to be still and soak in God’s presence intentionally, we’re reminded of how much we’re loved and how precious this life is. Somehow, all the things that matter rise to the surface, and the “things of the world” take a more rightful, lowly place in our hearts and minds. The problems, irritants, and stressors in life diminish, and we’re able to operate above the fray, not distracted or tempted by the things that come against us by the hour, if not minute. How can marital tension, that pending deadline, or financial strain undo us when we’re in constant communication with the one who has power and victory over every area of life? These tensions really can’t exist in the same space. Marriage is hard, and it’s clearly under attack right now, and the best thing we could ever do for each other, ourselves, and our families, is to get down on our knees and commune with Him.
5. Consider a Getaway with God
This may sound a bit unrealistic to some, but the older I get, the more I encounter new acquaintances who take regularly scheduled spiritual retreats to ensure they’re receiving regular doses of alone time with the Lord. In The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, bestselling author John Mark Comer shares how he’ll escape for a weekend about four times a year just to be alone with the Lord. I believe his wife does the same. Some friends make it a point to go on annual women’s or men’s weekend or day-long retreats to make sure they’re continually trading the chaos and distractions of everyday life for time designated for the Lord. I realize some of these activities involve groups or others, but I still think these activities go a long way in terms of nurturing your ongoing love relationship with the Lord, just as going to a marriage conference with your spouse edifies the marriage. If going away isn’t possible, consider reserving one full day every few months or so (or however long you feel the Lord leads) to spend alone, unplugged, and undisturbed with the Lord – just you, your journal, a Bible, and the coffee maker. This can be a great way to allow a spouse a “free” day to pursue other activities not necessarily shared or spend the day connecting with loved ones or friends.
6. Help Keep Each Other Accountable
Tangible needs often take precedence over the intangible. It’s hard to sit still for 20 minutes in the morning or any time when the laundry piles are staring you in the face, the dog’s begging to go out, or the kids are yelling for snacks. One way to prioritize our time with God is to help “cover” for each other during our designated quiet time. For example, if one spouse prefers having quiet time during the evenings, spouses can take turns covering the household chores like after-dinner dishes or remaining on kid duty, and visa versa. This way, we keep each other accountable and feel supported in our pursuit of God.
It can be tempting to skip out on quiet time, with or without the pressures of marriage. But if we really want more breakthroughs, changes in habits, and victory in areas we’ve been praying about for years, we need to commit to being still and hearing God’s voice. It means making the time to do the exact opposite of what feels natural when we’re exhausted, distracted, or just “blah.” It means sacrificing our coveted time to be alone with God, letting his presence renew our spirits and infuse His Peace so we can actually hear what He has to say. Personal time with God is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and each other, even when Netflix calls.
Jessica Kastner
Intentional Faith 