Dear Friends,
One of our readers recently asked a deeply personal question: “My father was always angry with me and constantly put me down. I am grown now, but I don’t know for sure how I should treat him because of the way he treated me. What should I do?” This question touches on a significant and painful issue that many struggle with—parental abuse. Let’s explore this together with love and compassion.
Growing up in an environment where a parent consistently belittles and criticizes can leave lasting emotional scars. The Bible acknowledges the importance of parental love and the potential harm of its absence. Proverbs 22:6 reminds us, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Unfortunately, not all parents fulfill this role lovingly, leading to deep wounds that persist into adulthood.
When addressing how to treat a parent who was abusive, the teachings of Jesus offer a starting point. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus instructs us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This verse doesn’t negate the pain caused by an abusive parent but invites us to rise above bitterness. Love here is not about condoning the behavior, but about freeing ourselves from the chains of resentment. Praying for someone who hurt us can be incredibly difficult, yet it can also be a step toward healing.
Forgiveness and Boundaries
Forgiveness is a central tenet of Christianity, but it’s crucial to understand that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to endure ongoing abuse. Ephesians 4:32 encourages us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Forgiveness can be a personal journey of letting go of the anger and pain, allowing God’s grace to heal our hearts.
However, it’s equally important to set healthy boundaries. Jesus himself set boundaries when necessary. In Luke 4:28-30, we see how He removed Himself from a hostile situation in Nazareth. Similarly, setting boundaries with an abusive parent is not un-Christian; it is a way to protect the emotional well-being that God desires for us. Communicating clearly and kindly about what behaviors you will no longer tolerate is a step toward maintaining your peace.
Seek Support and Community
God created us for community, and the support of fellow believers can be invaluable when dealing with the repercussions of parental abuse. Galatians 6:2 urges us to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Sharing your struggles with trusted friends, a pastor, or a Christian counselor can provide the support you need. There is strength in vulnerability, and opening up about your pain allows others to walk alongside you in prayer and encouragement.
Biblical Example: Joseph and His Brothers
One powerful biblical example is the story of Joseph and his brothers. Joseph endured immense betrayal and abuse from his family, yet his journey demonstrates profound forgiveness and reconciliation. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph tells his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Joseph’s ability to see God’s hand at work through his suffering is a testament to the redemptive power of forgiveness and grace.
Joseph’s story also highlights the importance of transformation. When his brothers came to Egypt, they were remorseful, and Joseph recognized their change. This reconciliation was possible because there was genuine repentance and a change of heart. This reminds us that reconciliation with an abusive parent may also require a change in their behavior. Forgiveness can happen in your heart, but rebuilding a relationship may depend on genuine repentance and change.
Insights from Christian Authors
Christian authors like Lewis B. Smedes, in his book “Forgive and Forget”, explain that forgiving is a way to heal ourselves from the past’s hurt. Smedes writes, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” His insight aligns with biblical teachings, emphasizing that forgiveness releases us from the bondage of bitterness and opens us to God’s healing.
Lastly, remember that healing from parental abuse is a journey. It requires time, patience, and often professional help. Don’t hesitate to seek Christian counseling if needed. Your well-being is precious to God, and He desires for you to live in peace and freedom.
Encouragement
I encourage you to lean into God’s love and guidance as you navigate these challenging emotions and decisions. As Psalm 147:3 assures us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Trust in His promise to restore and renew you.
With prayers for your healing and strength,
Theo
Intentional Faith 